Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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