new low.... made out with someone while peeing
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
How's work?
Spinning.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
