i already hear my dad disowning me
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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