we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
So. Much. Porn.
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