I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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