I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
