Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Randomize
