So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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