Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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