Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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