What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Just cropdusted the office
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
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