Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
