bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
