Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
