dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
