So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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