I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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