I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
