Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
