Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
