good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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