You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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