Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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