so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
