yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
