dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
