You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
