So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
