just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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