First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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