I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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