he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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