Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
