my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
