it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
