i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
