phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
me + whiskey = a bad person
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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