I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
