So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
