meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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