I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
