I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
