u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
