I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
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