Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
