Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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