Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I'm like, not good at living.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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