I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
