Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
we should paint friendship bongs
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
