so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
