I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
