I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
