I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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